LIFELESS ...

Every night I feel the life draining out of my soul
It’s too hot inside and I wanna go out
 but I wanna stay in
I don’t like the lights
so I turn them off
Try to shut my eyes but my mind won’t shut
Tears won’t come out cos there’s nothing to cry for
The laughter is the only way out
If I could only remember what makes me smile
Fingers are shaking but it’s hot inside
So I go out into the winter
So they shake 
One more reason not to feel insane
Some call this depression
I call it lifeless
Yeah I’m breathing I know
But it’s not the same as knowing that I know
Everything’s blurry Amongst the fog, the mist, the smokes I’m blowing
Life is short but the night is long
Too long of thoughts, deep and dark
I want to go home but I’m home
The noise in this silence I hear in my veins
Nobody knows this trauma But my blood pours it out everyday
I don’t remember your name
Your face stays blank
Not the way I want it
But it’s best for the other side of me
Love has left me – buried itself deep within
Friendships are vague
No one really cares
Losing my mind, losing myself
Too many answers
For questions not asked
Bent too long My neck hurts
Still unbroken but turned
A thousand tosses but still not comfortable
Too many hates very few likes
Let the bitterness go away 
If only my soul could stay
I’ll give nothing to have it my way
Tomorrow is another day
Yet another day
To go through this cycle 
Cycle of lost
Amongst everything else
Is the valley of shadows
I’m hunting me Trying to find me Sinking in the boat I sail
Everythin else has bailed
Leaving me behind to do what I must
Smile at lifeLike it ain’t lifeless
I’m in this end till the very end

HEALING

Its the choices we make that defines us
There used to be a time when we lay side by side
and we couldn’t get our hands off each oda
 now we lay 2geda with our backs up against da wall
maybe because I found someone new
maybe because we lost the seed of love before it grew
I cant beg you to touch me like u used to
Someone else does it better
Besides u wont do it like u used to
I’ve found ways to make it without u
I remember sleeping with tears in my eyes
Every nite with hopes on how I will survive without u
Now im doing way better than I tot I ever would
Again and again, I believed love was simply an art that will fade
With time, I realized its who u love that fades
Things fall apart wen the foundation was never strong
Don’t build a glass house on shaky rocks
It will fall and shatter
Like my heart did with every hit and every curse
That came from u
I was never perfect
Alota things I shoulda kept to myself
My hands, my tots, my happiness, my love
But I shared it all with u
Now I stare deep in ur eyes again and again
Hoping u’d see what I see
A broken spirit healing
Hoping u’d feel what I feel
A broken heart wondering
Loneliness and unhappiness
Are the least of my worries
Not Losing who I am becomes my priority
The possibility of me always being in love with u is slim
Ur memories and ur presence do slow down my healing
But ur a broken dream I don’t wanna hold unto
But ur always here
U never was
When I needed u
u never know how much u can live without someone until u give it a shot
den u'd realize how easy it could be to fall outta love
no matter how deep, how real, how extreme
my love, drowned in the bottom of the sea
my happiness, hanging up in the clouds
but my strength still lives in me
With that, I will love again and be happy again
there was only one way to be with u
which was to love u
but there r a million ways to NOT be with u
u’ve had my heart and my body
but my mind remains mine to control
wld rather hold on to my unforeseen death
than to life with so much bruises n scars
holding unto you is holding unto the cuts and the burns
dat i choose not to do
remember, its the choices we make that defines us

Venomous Love

I’ll stay inside your head
Till I start a fire in it
I’ll sleep on ur heart
Till it races faster than the horses
I’ll keep you up at night
Staring at the stars
That’ll remind you of the million scars
In my heart
I will watch ur finger bleed
With every word of apology
I’ll laugh harder that you ever made me
I’ll make ur emotions live outside ur body
I’ll make you have a soul
Give you mine which you destroyed
I’ll watch you fall into the pits
The holes in shackles
Maybe the drips, the drips of your red
Would soothe my sorrowful heart
I’ll help u count ur blessings
And make you recite my losses
We’d learn a whole new alphabet
Make a new narrative
And publish a whole new emotion
We had it all
We had it all except u
Everything else was there
But you went missing
I searched everywhere to find you
But found you with a dagger
Waiting to embrace me
Chest to chest
Piercing deep into my organz
Watching my venom bleed in tears
I’d pierce my nails deep into your green skin
Deep enough to reach the soul of this green monster
Cage my last breath
It will remind you of a heartless journey
A soulless life; a cursed mind
Take it away from me
Violently in the light
Peacefully in the dark
You chopped my body up
And dined in every piece
The world at your feet
Milk like venom and death like bread
U’d never stay hungry, never stay thirsty
Ur wishes came true
You wanted it all
No resurrection to my fall
You wanted it all
Love so venomous
Crawl up on me
Change ur skin
Slip, slide in deep
Fall to the ground trying to insert your antidote
In exchange for this venom
My venomous love

It Just Might Come 2 u

 sometimes i lack the strength to move 
especially when i start to question whatz real or not
deep into ma subconscious I feel inferior to everything else thatz amazing
nature, love, the earth, a new born
its like casting a death sentence upon ma will to survive
ever seen a corpse talk, smile, breathe, eat and live?
dark mind puzzling thoughts 
yet light reflection upon its reality
I know u feel da pulse faster than usual
maybe it will stop sometime wen the fears r subtle
loneliness? depression? agony? hatred?
perhaps love amongst all odds could do the trick
end this dreadful fate of being lost
beyond da tears crawling down ones cheeks
beyond da years of ones existence
beyond everything else that once mattered

Do u see beauty in darkness?
The one piercing deeper into ur soul
Filled with memories and enticing let downs
I know u feel it too 
if you think you dont 
then u dont know how to heal it too
jus a minute to hear it, a second to feel it 
a lifetime to see it 
then the virtues kick in 
how long can you wait?
are you really alright is a mind puzzling question again
if you think you are
then you just might
you just will be 
if you think you ain't

you just might not 
you just wont be 
someday we shall all feel it too 
deep into our spines and bone marrows
don't question it 
most try to fight it 
to a death win or life loss
consume or be consumed 
the content in which u store inside you during consumption
could also consume you
a tough choice to make outta this 
maybe its not as dark as it seems 
maybe ur jus not as light as u should be 
close ur eyes and create an illusion
of what you should see 
of what you wanna see 
it jus might come to you
in the perfect picture 
neither a waste nor a shame
to be da prisoner in this
wen da most beautiful eyes starts to lie
and the lips becomes more truthful
everything definitely seems different
The road to heaven ain't all pretty
neither is the shackles to hell
you feel that which ur meant to
that which u clda changed but didnt, cldn't, wldnt
shattered heart, scattered mind
shallow thoughts, shameful acts
they just all might come to you my dear
it just might come to you

NK JR

Obsession is not love

There are only a few times we get to really feel true love in a lifetime, some people feel it once and others not till the end of time. Love is like an opportunity you get to be blessed with someone so beautiful, unique and God filled. I’ve had the best of it that is worth a eternity, magnificent love with every aspect of outstanding uniqueness. I’ve always loved everything my feelings for her came with, even though sometimes it was a little wrong, I knew she felt the same way. What is living? When you are not sharing your existence with someone? Isolation some choose but I never chose mine because I used to be perfectly fine with her here.

Everyday I wake up; I think of her, sometimes I wake up to tears rolling down my cheeks, I must have been dreaming about her yet again. She was my delusion and my stunning lurid. She was perfect, a little too perfect to be real. I lived for her beautiful smile, her crazy ways; her soothing voice, her enticing body fragrance and I loved her addictive body. She was my best friend; everything I needed to live life like all is well. I’m broken up indeed as my heart refuses to get over her, its one thing to be infatuated and another to be in love. She always told me “Obsession isn’t love” but how different is it from love, when you’re willing to walk the miles for that one person that makes your heart beat; you’re willing to kill and die for every moment you get with that person. My girl was my life. We were a very beautiful couple, some say we were the paramount lovers they knew; others said we were predestined soul mates; two bodies with one soul.

For some reason, I saw our walls falling; I just didn’t know how to stop it. I was lost in her world, everything she had to offer, I wanted. Her happiness, her life, her heart, I wanted. She was the wings to my heights, I would die to watch her live, cry to watch her smile, I would give up every sanity I have left in me to make sure she’s good. It was spooky yet a very powerful feeling.

She’s been my life, my world for over seven years; we did everything together, ate together, slept together, cried together and laughed together. It really sucks to think of her as a broken dream because we were so perfect! We had our fights; we had times when we felt hate and rage. I remember spending nights with her and she would get so mad at me and refuse to talk to me, I would send text messages with red hearts and sad smiley faces to show how sorry I was and she would send me the big smiley faces; I just loved how cute she was when her temporal “hate” for me turns right back to endless love. Some night she would cuddle me up and cry on my shoulders, then slide down and cry on my chest, it would break my heart to watch my girlfriend live a life of so much pain, I was suppose to be her happiness, so why does she still suffer in agony whilst I’m alive? Let me do the crying babe, I would whisper in her eyes, while touching her hair, I would tickle her so she laughs, she would laugh with her beautiful chuckle sounds that brings more life to my dying soul. Why do moments so glorious have to end? Why does someone so spectacular have to be such a victim of ill fate? I would think to myself with a smile on my face. We were both in so much pain but we barely showed it to each other, we laughed and lived life as if all was okay to keep each other strong and to keep our love bond stronger than marriage ties.

She was such a beautiful person; she deserved the best of life, of nature. Nonetheless, life has always played a sad song with its wheels spinning in constant tragedies; my girl was leaving me. She had severe case of anemia. Death was taking her away from me. Everyday I watched her get closer and closer to her end of days and I was not willing to accept her fate despite she already did. Several times, she would need blood transfusion and thank God my blood group was a perfect match for hers. I gave her my blood anytime the doctor said she needed it. Despite the doctor’s constant complaints of my continuous donations to her, I couldn’t help but give her my blood more and more. I couldn’t live without her and I was willing to sacrifice half of me, if not all of me to make sure we share this lifetime together. Eternity was at my finger tips but departed was also on my finger tips, I was not willing to go that road, I didn’t want us to end, keeping my girl alive was the only way I could keep myself alive. I wanted to give her some more life again and again, as long as it takes her pain away and gives another chance of breath to her beautiful soul.

I loved my woman so much, to an extreme. I hated when men talk to her, I hurt anyone thrice as much who hurt her. I would be so angry when people make jokes about her health. The last time someone did that I was so close to dropping him off a 25 storey building; the whole situation made me angry, made me cold blooded; it made me sad most of the time. I watched my girl cry everyday at how angry I had become. I became a monster trying to protect an angel. I didn’t want to accept the medical report that states she has fifteen years to live. What happened to together forever? We were supposed to live and die together! That was the promise I made to her the night I took her virginity. I was willing to exchange my life for my girl’s life because I don’t see the use of living if she isn’t here with me but she always said to me “Promise me you would live if I die”.

Every moment, I captured with her was a beautiful picture, the nights I made love to her innocent self, the days I would look her in her eyes and see her pain, her fears, it would get to me as if I was the one alive but trapped in a coffin. She had all my affection and I had all her attention. She was always so close and I could feel her every heart beat and soul fill.

People often made jokes about her illness and it killed every living feeling cell in my body, I get violent, I get bloody, that night after one of my angry rampage with some jerks on the block; I drove to a beach out of town, turned my phone off and sooth my angry mind with the thoughts of her. I don’t know who she was or where she came from but she took over my soul, my existence. I was so lost in her world that mine ceased to exist. I was so caught up with the thoughts of her in my world that I didn’t get the emergency call that some guys I had beaten up for insulting my girl, ganged up, raped her and watched her bleed for hours. When she was rushed to emergency, she needed blood and I wasn’t there to give it to her. My girl died 2am that night as I sat by the beach thinking of her. Everyday I still smell her fragrance on my skin. I wake up everyday to this pain as I wait the day, I will claim their lives for her because they did me the biggest wrong and I don't know what forgiveness is, even if they ask of it. They killed me when they killed her ... 

she still shows me her love every once in a while, she does .... 

We can't really define love in dictionary words, we don't really know what love is but we know all the things that it isn't ... This is more than obsession, it's more than love .... it's beautiful ill-fate

I LIVE FOR THIS MOMENT

There’s more to what we share

Than love or lust

even when the world turns their back on us

and no one understands

There’s more to needing you here

Than not wanting us to end

I can’t get you out of my mind

Even when you’re here

I think of the things I want us to do

The things I miss doing to you

And the things I wanna do to you

I love the beauty that reflects in your eyes

I live for your smile, your soft lips

I could kiss every second

Like it was the air I needed to breathe

I hate leaving you babe

Everytime I do leave 

I hate myself

but I'm so in love with this emotion called love

I can’t just help but capture every moment

I Spend with you

I’d keep it as a memory, frame it up and reminisce

The softness of your hands

The intoxicating fragrance of your cologne

The feel of your skin breezing against mine

Under the sheets

Everynite when we cuddle up

and my nose breaths deeply into the scent of your hair

I live for this moment

The moment we make love

The moment you say you love me

I live for you

I let you take advantage of me

As much as I take advantage of you

I don’t need to eat, I don’t need to sleep

As long as I spend every other minute

Left gazing into the eyes of paradise

Kiss me babe

Love me babe

Don’t leave me alone in this reckless and helpless emotion babe

Your eyes shows your love for me

Every time you carry me shoulders high

I like when you place me on the kitchen counters

Kissing on every part of my upper body

Right there, you take away all my attention

I hear the sound of your heartbeat

Like it lived in me

I hear what it says to my heart

It says love forever

I pull you closer to me

Hoping you hear my heartbeat

Right then, you look into my eyes

And you say “I live for you too”

So you hear my heart?

You listen to all it says

You carry me into the showers

Gently washing up my body while kissing upon it

You wrap me up in your towel

And you carry me to the bed

I live for these moments

When you brush my hair out

Gently rubbing my toes

Moving your fingers down on legs

It tickles babe

But I love it babe

I live for the moment

When you kiss my stomach

Licking deep into my belly button

You kiss your way up my stomach

To my chest

My right boob, my left boob

Back to my chest

And then my lips

I live for the moment

You whisper in my ears

I could never guess what you’d do next

You were so spontaneous babe

Each time I stare in your eyes and get lost in it 

I read the unanswered question it asks

"Why do I always leave?" it wonders ... 

The way you make me feel is phenomenal

From the simplest of things you do

The way you hold my hand

Talk to me and make love to me

I wish I never had to leave

Feel me again babe

Feel me some more, my love

You hold me tighter than ever

You show me what I’ve been missing

You become my missing piece

Each time you create a new position with my body

You take away my entire burden

You change my tears to laughter

Each time you call out my name with those three little words.. “I love you”

I live for these moments

The one where I never have to give you up

You re-assure my soul of its life

With your warmth and your sincerity

laugh with me

walk with me 

cry with me 

live with me

but don't die with me babe

I don't want our love to die

I live to feel your continous happiness

 I live for your smile so full of life

Please don't change that

We both can't become shadows in the dark 

I always wanna be on your mind

As I leave you’d forever be on mine

I know our love would last for eternity

Because every beat of my heart whispers it to my soul

You’re for me babe

You’re for me

Just don’t give up on us

Don't give up on me 

Hang unto me and everything you love about us

Our past, Our memories, Our feelings

Be the man I’ve always dreamt of

Be the strong, beautiful person I fell in love with

When you miss me

Don’t hate to think of me

Learn to love my absence

Appreciate my presence

Be the man of my life

The only one who has enough of me to break my heart.

When you have doubts

Be assured one thing, I live for this moment

The moment of love, trust and friendship

The moment where you’re true to me

and I admit you're the best man for me

The moment we share our last moments

Hanging unto that special thing we live for, our love